Craig: My guest tonight plays the mysterious mountain man opposite Jane Seymour on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. (Shows DQ clip from Moment of Truth, where Sully has Katie bouncing on his knee, and Mike is talking to him about Katie's birthday, while he talks about Katie growing up, then he kisses Michaela.)

Craig:: Please welcome JOE LANDO, right here! (While audience is clapping, host greets Joe.)

Craig: Hey, pleased to meet you!

Joe: Thank you for having me.

Craig: You look great. (Joe thanks him but applause drowns out words. They sit down on stools behind a desk.)

Joe: Good work!

Craig:Thank you.

Joe:I enjoy the show very much.

Craig:: You enjoy the show...

Joe: That and Dr. Katz. I think you've got quite a future. Bigger than Greg Kinnear, I'm thinkin'.

Craig:OK...Dr. Katz...that's good! Whatever you just said, I'm... I'm nodding my head.

Joe:You're the Comedy Channel? That's where you guys are, right?

Craig:Yes, one of the most talked about shows on basic cable.

Joe: Dr. Katz..

Craig: You look cool, by the way. Is that what you're going for?

Joe: uh, no, not necessarily...

Craig: I'm saying Vilas, circa '77. Guillermo Vilas - (turning to the audience) Nobody knows who he is?

Joe: Tennis?

Craig: Yes. Now, I don't read the tabloids, but it's been pointed out to me that there is tension with you and Jane -- Jane Seymour - or is there not? Or what's going on? 'Cause that kiss looked like...no problem whatsoever.

Joe: You know, it kind of plays the same, that, that love-hate thing. No. There's no tension WHATsoever, actually. You know tabloids! There's been a lot of that talk lately.

Cragi But everything's cool on the set?

Joe: Very much so.

Craig: Because I think she's a very attractive lady.

Joe: And she is. Very much a professional. (smiles at host). As are we.

Craig: What, we? Don't throw me into this! ( Joe is laughing that great laugh). I'm digging for dirt here.

Joe: OK. There's no dirt, really. (Shrugs and sips coffee while his eyes twinkle). Hank?...

Craig:The other...Yeah, let's get somebody in trouble. I have seen the show, though. I think they replay on Lifetime or not? (Audience laughs awhile. Joe looks down and grins like he's just been zinged).

Craig:Well, here's the thing...You guys are wearing a lot ( laughs) You guys are wearing a lot of... ( Joe reaches over behind the desk and it appears he pinches or pings the host on the leg).

Craig: Ouch! (audience is laughing, while both of the guys look sort of mischievously at the audience). You guys are wearing a lot of leather, a lot of buckskin. (Joe fingers his own black leather lapels). And one would assume...

Joe: It doesn't breathe well.

Craig: It does NOT breathe...

Joe: No, in summer it gets a little gamey.

Craig: There's that chafing problem.

Joe: ( nods ) Gold Bond.

Craig: I might as well be honest with you.

Joe: What's that? ... You've never seen the damn show, have you?

Craig: No, I haven't...well, beyond...yeah, you caught me!

Joe: You're not in the demographics, my son.

Craig: I think we found out who IS the demographic. We have a lady over there, and a big fan of yours. She has a sign I think - she's in love with Joe Lando. Do we have a shot of her or not? Where's... ( Camera shows audience member, without a sign, but smiling like she's about to burst). There she is! (Audience claps and cheers. She waves, Joe waves back).

Joe: Thought you were at home, Mom!

Craig:There she is. She watches that show all the time.

Joe:That's it.

Craig:As far as leather, I'm giving you a little advice. I like to wear...well, when I wear leather, this is what I like to wear. This is a shot of me wearing the old... (shows fake shot of host turning around and showing his chaps, and his bare bottom!) ( Joe is chuckling silently with his mouth resting on his fist).

Craig:Yeah, wear the old...yeah...you betcha! Wear the chaps.

Joe: Somethin' left over from, uh...Village People?

Craig:Yeah, let me just tell you...

Joe:Yes sir?

Craig: She wants to see you, EVERYBODY wants to see you in chaps. (Joe turns his chair around like he's ready to get up and get dressed. Then he faces the audience and laughs)

Craig:Are you ready for the five questions right now for Joe Lando? Here we go. ( Joe braces himself with his hands on the desk in front of him).

Craig: You've heard about these! Um...You are from Illinois?

Joe:Yes sir.

Craig: What is the school nickname for Southern Illinois University? That's a tough one. Southern Illinois.

Joe: S.I.U. Southern Illinois University is the, uh...

Joe: Really tough. But you're from Illinois.

Joe: But I didn't go there.

Craig: Salukis.

Joe: Sa-LOO-kees?

Craig:It's a dog. It's really tough. OK. We're being hard on you. Uh, we know you were a chef growing up or at some point in your life. What pizza chain is named after a Roman emperor?

Joe:Uhhhhh, Caesar's. Little Caesar's.

Craig:Yes, Little Caesar's. (crowd whoops).

Joe: Salukis?

Craig: Name the Billy Dee Williams character in...

Joe:Lando Calrissian!

Craig: Yes! ( audience claps and whoops). Salukis was tough.

Joe: Yeah, how was I gonna get that?

Craig: Who wrote the seminal sophomoric classic "Under the Bleachers" by..."Under the Bleachers" by...

Joe: Seminal classic Under the Bleachers...

Craig: Sophomoric classic, it's a ... it has to do with...

Joe: Wise fool, root word is in Latin. Can you give me the spelling? Can you use it in a sentence?

Craig: Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts.

Joe: See More Buuuuttttsss...?

Craig: Jane Seymour. And finally are you now or have you ever been a Communist?

Joe: No, I have never been a Communist.

Craig: That is correct! Yes! Three out of five, that's very good.

Joe: That's all I was going for. Told the wife. ( He gestures to Kirsten in the audience, holding up 3 then five fingers, and mouthing the words "three out of five").

Craig: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman airs Saturday nights on CBS. Joe Lando, right here!


Transcription courtesy of Sharon Pyne

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